You know as kids we tend to dream of how our life will be, we dream of our prince charming riding up on that white horse, rescuing us from that ever growing tower we call life, marrying us and giving us kids; however, the older you get the more that fairy tale and happy ending tends to fade away. Now while I have no one to blame for this, but my own hearts betrayal the best I can do is pick up my head and try to move on, in hopes that I have made the right decisions in my life and I continue to do so. I am about to make and have been making some life altering decisions. Childhood is something you spend your whole life trying to overcome. HE IS RIGHT, I NEED TO LEARN TO LET GO OF MY PAST, ALL THE PAIN, ALL THE HURT, ALL THE FUCKUPS, EVERYTHING, AND NOT LET IT IMPACT MY WHOLE LIFE BECAUSE IF I DO IT WILL RUIN MY LIFE AS IT HAS DONE THUS FAR, YES MY LIFE AND OUR RELATIONSHIP. While I can never forget all the hurt I can try and make the choice to forgive those people who have hurt me and move on with my life and not let it control what I am doing or going to do throughout my life

I dunno, I have been lost for awhile when it comes to my friends and being online; however, a few weeks ago my fathers lawfirm sponsored a breast cancer awareness charity event and that picture right there was from that night :) I have been going to these things since I was little so im sorta use to it now. Earlier in that day me and my mom went and walked in the “WALK THROUGH THE DARKNESS” marathon walk, to not only raise money but raise public awareness on suicide. I have lost someone very close to me too suicide and still after almost 2 years I cannot help to wonder what ifs, what if i was there more for that person, what if i over looked a fat ass HELP ME sign, and I know I missed a huge cry for help and I will never forgive myself for that, I was so wrapped up in what was going on in my life, that I failed to see just how much trouble my friend was in. Now, onto the reason while I am bringing this up, yea its a little to private and I do not know how long I will keep this part of this post public, but okay back to while I am bringing this up, LEO is right on so many levels, I am very selfish and self centered and I think sitting here typing this is making me realize just how right he is, just how wrapped up I can be in my own life, and how less I could care about what else is going on in anyone life. Im not a bitch or anything, I just have a huge downfall, I dunno where it come froms, oh wait i do, my moms fucked up ass. The way she was with me growing up, and I am not making excuses and LEO is right, i do have alot to work on. I need to start caring more, need to worry more about other people then myself and need to learn to let go of the things I cannot control.

So im sitting here, trying to eat some rice and veggis and a itty bitty piece of steak and drinking yet another beer. Trying to get up the courage for what I am about to do. Well what im about to do is either gonna change my life for the better or its all gonna be “not for nothing” and my life will be destroyed. Owell, you cannot trick your mind into NOT doing what your heart is telling you to do, no matter how wrong it is. I just hope and pray that no matter what happens, HE will find it in his heart to forgive me and I hope He knows that no matter what happens I love him more then anything and he will always have a piece of my heart and be the only good in me.

Onto other things, the class schedual for spring 09′ came out online today and I have already got an appointment with my counselor so I can petition to take my other math class and get my prereq slips out of the way. As part of my human development class we have to do a 3 semester ed plan, and I already have my classes planned out until my last semester so hopefully she will go along with what I want to take. Next semester I will be at the unit load which should be fine, 3 early childhood education classes one of which is an online course, a math class, english comp, and a “WALK THE TALK” community class, which consist of 2 classes, a Nutrition for health and well being along with a fitness class that focuses on runnig and walking, along with weight training and cardio. I am excited about that. My two ece classes are on monday and wed and happen to not only be back to back time wise(9-10:20)-(10:30-11:40) and in the same class, which is good so i do not have to hall ass across campus haha, but they have the same teacher WOMP WOMP :)

So every day in my human development class our teacher gives us a group reading, and then 3-4 students will speak out on how it effects there life or why a certain part of the passage has special meaning. Well the other day this is the part of our reading that stood out to me, for many different reasons, but it has helped me through some things this past week (refer to the first paragraph of this post)and I have to pass it on to you, my lovelies, just incase you need it haha

It doesn’t interest me if the story you’re telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bare the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own without moving, to hide it or fade it or fix it

“It would be great to be able to pass on to someone all of the successes, the failures, and the knowledge that one has had. To help someone, avoid all the fire, pain and anxiety would be wonderful.”
-Sylvester Stallone

[edit] Ahh my baby always makes me feel better, ping.fm, my new e-crack lol everything else i was working on today is going to have to wait, my man is waiting for me haha :) so goodnight my lubbas :)[/edit]

Sitting on the hospital floor waiting room, leaning against the wall typing away on my wing,  realizing that my blood sugar level is low and am feeling pretty lethargic, waiting for my mom to get done visiting a friend.  After a pretty bad episode lastnight and with school rapidly approching it makes me feel conflicted, panic, and also a  mass of anxiety about everything lately.  I havent really ate much these past few days and with all the stress and anxiety I think its all starting to take its toll on my body. My mom told me Im looking kind of pale, she says “are you okay honey, you look a little drained, whens the last time you ate, i am gonna take you to go eat when we leave here” so ofcourse thats the last thing thats on my mind right now so im hoping by the time she is done maybe I will look a lil better and she will just let me go home :bitter:  ughhhhh have you ever been physically sick from stress and anxiety, i mean shit like i tell my babe, my mind is my own worse enemy and i tend to over thing everything, I also probably make things more of a bigger deal then they really are and i find myself just building upon what is already there, which really gets me no where but sitting here starting to feel my heart start to race, starting to notice my hands shaking a little bit, and can feel my body temp fluctuate wishing I was at home with him :(  okay my wing is kicking my ass lol my fingers dont wanna hit the right keys and my mom is walking towards the waiting room so im going home, too hopefully take a chill pill and make this feeling go away. will probably accually have something more interesting to say later Ciao

[rant for a stalker bitch] [edit] so not even woth my time no mas [\edit]

[end rant]

Yummy for my love for waking me up today, ughhhh i fucking love him, and i have to say i am the lucky one, because he makes my life worth living.

work actually is not  too bad, have to go show this house in an hour so wish me luck lol.  had to go to the salon and get my nails done before work, got a hair appointment @ 3, getting some highlights put into it. going to san fran with my beezies for my bitchez bachelorette party tonight gotta love the party buses haha, then the whole wedding party, well the brides maids and the groomsmen are all going up to reno for the last day of hot august nights on Sunday which im so not looking forward to. but tonight should be fun :) and hopefully will equal lots of pics haha.

I got tagged by my sis so when i have some time before i leave tonight i will blog it and tag someone else lol. And I think im gonna tag the lovely olivia lol hopefully she hasnt been tagged already.

1. What was I doing 10 years ago?
Lets see ten years ago i was 8, in the 3rd grade, loved playing ball wall, loved watching will and grace, sabrina the teenage witch, dawsons creek, and i loved n’sync lol. Took my frist trip by myself on the plane to new york to see my sister :)
2. What are 5 things on my to-do list today?
* talk with my man :)

* make it through this open house showing and work today

* go get hair highlighted and shit

* get nails done before work

party my ass off with my girls in san fran, male exotic dancer, pleasure party and a sex in the city club tour in a party bus *woot woot* what else is there ? haha

3. Snacks I enjoy:
always love some fresh fruits and veggies, wheat thins, yogurt, salad :) nom nom nom

4. Places I’ve lived:
Born and raise in sactown cali altho i have lived in new york for a brief period of time ;)

5. Things I’d do if I were a billionaire:

Take care of my grandparents, make sure my family has all it needs, probably buy a nice loft as far away from my parents as i can lol finish up grad school, Travel, and invest in my future the right way :) set up trust funds for the babies imma have with my love haha.

6. People I want to know more about:

Anyone who is about something and is worth a damn.